Renck Family

“This summer, my family didn’t drive each other crazy, like I thought we would since we went from almost four months of lockdown in New York to summer vacation for 10 weeks.

I figured this out. That I love getting older.

If I could, I would take a two week writing trip. And have the freedom to write when my head wants to write rather than when my schedule allows for it.

My children love to snuggle with me.

Me and my man love to actually just spending time together, doesn’t matter what we do.

The countryside for me is the reason I can live in New York.

I have started to go to bed earlier at night to have time to read. I read “Alla mina män” by Sofia Rönnow Pessah. I never read a book that profound and poignant. It took my reading experience to a place it has never been before.

The things that make me feel amazing are sleep, an orgasm, red lipstick and champagne.

The things that makes me fall apart are the feeling of not being good enough for my kids, family, friends and for myself. I have such a low stress tolerance level and when everything gets just too much, I always end up lethargic and not capable of doing anything.

When I think of the future, my thoughts starts to worry me. It feels like the world is ending. I’m worried about climate change. I’m worried about Covid-19. What happens if Trump wins the election again?! Do we even want to stay in the United States if he does? If not, where should we then live and are my kids going to find a meaningful life wherever that might be? But of course, behind all those  gloomy thoughts of anxiety, I obviously see a bright future. I love that we, every day, get further and further away from those excruciating toddler years, and I almost start to believe that it will get as easy as everyone who has older children say it will be.

When I need to get my shit together I try to take a power nap, cry for a little bit, and then I talk to my husband, or my friends.

The most important thing for me when it comes to my relationship with my husband is to try and remember how much we laugh together. We easily forget that during stressful mornings when we are both tired and grumpy. There is no one I laugh as much with as with my husband.

If I want to forget about it all I just pretend the problem doesn’t exist. But I wouldn’t recommend it. It just causes a lot of stress down the road.

At the moment I´m really in to writing! I have finally started writing my book. And I love it. And even when I am not physically sitting down and writing, I write in my head. Always. Of course, the process is slow, but at least it is moving forward. Some days I sit and just smile  because I’m so fucking  good at it. And then t the next day I want to delete everything, burn up my computer and give up.

The things that makes me speechless right now are when my six-year-old daughter Harriet says something with the wisdom of a hundred-year-old sorcerer. And she keeps on doing it.

I never thought this would happen, but I  don’t think I want to have anymore children. Or, I know I don’t want to have anymore children. I never thought I would feel this way but; that’s enough. I’m done. It has been some remarkable years in regards to our family dynamics, as a new baby has arrived on average every 20 months for quite some time now. But now things have finally stabilized and everything is calmer. Still a lot of chaos of course, but still a lot calmer than before.” ☮